Who will win Rock Idol Season 2?

The best thing to do on the beach is play Rock Idol. The rules are simple. You’re at the beach. Everyone finds a rock. You all show each other your rocks. You explain why your specific rock deserves to be crowned Rock Idol. Then you vote.

Good news, guys, I was on the beach last weekend and we played Rock Idol in the growing Twilight of the Lake Michigan shore. This is the second year we've done this. If you do something for two years, it's tradition. And I’ve come home with a report on this year’s competition. Here are your six contestants from Rock Idol Season 2:

Heart Rock

First up, we have Heart Rock. This is a rock shaped a heart. It was grey. Honestly, a really strong competitor.

Shark Fang

Next up, we have Shark Fang. This tiny, white rock is smaller than a dime. Everyone thinks it’s funny when you hold it up to your mouth and say, “Look, I’ve got a shark mouth!”

Sea Glass

Our third competitor is a translucent matte white, like a frosted window. It probably came from a broken beer bottle, but the waves have worn its sharp edges down to smooth curves. We have to award extra points for a real transformation act.

Broken Seashell 

This competitor is a small, iridescent piece of seashell. It glows ivory in the dusk, like a piece chipped off of a lake mermaid’s belly button piercing.

Piece of Gravel

Next, we have a piece of gravel. On the beach, it seems strange and exotic. Its bulbous curves remind me of the Venus of Willendorf.

Feather (Not a Rock)

Finally, we have a feather. This is not a rock. The feather is very small and very fluffy.

This year’s competition saw some major controversy: namely, that certain contestants are not exactly rocks. Our judges split in half. Were feather and seashell disqualified? Does seashell stay in the game because it is at least rock-adjacent? Do both remain in the finale because they bring some much-needed diversity to Rock Idol Season 2? Did seashell and feather attempt to, dare I say it, shift the paradigm?

They were disqualified.

The winner of this year's Rock Idol is......

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Chunk of Gravel!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is, when you really think about it, a collection of small rocks gathered into a whole. In these trying times, it’s good to remember that when we come together, we are stronger.

At the end of Rock Idol, we threw the contestants back into the lake. The feather drifted away in the wind.

Megan KirbyComment