The Kardashians Play D&D Part II

Read The Kardashians Play D&D Part I: Character Creation here.

The Kardashian women meet many months later, after the kitchen windows have been covered by Kylie's hunky bodyguard with every designer throw they could collect among them. When the paparazzi share the photos, they'll say it was a sleepover, some cute thing North did. People will believe them. People might be so-so about the majority of the Kardashian children, but everything North does... They eat that shit up.


There was a close call, back in June. At the launch of Kim's new KKW Beauty makeup line, she accidentally told a reporter, "The contour makes me look elven." When they asked for clarification on her statement, Kim said, "Elven? Ha...Ha. No, no. Eleven. It makes me look so young. What's an elf?"

This quote did not appear in the press. She made sure of it.

The girls come in large coats to cover their cosplay, pretending for the paparazzi that a comically oversized jacket is a cool, fashion thing. 

They hang them on the backs of their chairs now, revealing bustiers and leather armor. Kylie even has a dagger at her hip, which Kris asks her to please put away, and then Kylie gets mad and is like, "Why won't you guys just let me be a normal kid," and Kendall is all "Kylie!" with that badger look on her face and little Tiefling horns tucked into her hair, and then Khloe storms out of the room and does, like, three shots, and then, fifteen minutes later, the game starts.


In the months since their first meeting, Kris Jenner has read the Dungeon Master's Guide from cover to cover more times than she can count, which is definitely pretty high. "Girls, are you listening?" she barks, and then she begins.

"You are adventurers who are arriving on the Sword Coast after a month exploring the island of Ruathym, where you recovered a heavy chest hidden in the Whalebones. It is wooden and carved with strange symbols. None of you have been able to open it yet, so you hope that someone in Waterdeep will be able to spill the tea." She describes the city, which is large, influential, well guarded, and a center of trade. 

"You eat at a tavern called the, uh"—she slides her glasses off of her forehead and down to the tip of her nose so she has to sit up really straight to get a good view through them—"the Hashtag Proud Mama." She pushes her glasses back over her hair and looks at the girls, who look back at her with blank faces. "Do you not get it?" she asks. "I'm so proud of you girls." When no one says anything back to her, she continues, "The Hashtag Proud Mama sits near the ports and is filled with traders from all over the Forgotten Realms. You think here you'll be able to find out more about the chest."

"I'll start," Kourtney says. She clears her throat, and then leans forward. "Hi, how are you, how's it going?"


"Who are you talking to?" Kylie asks, readjusting her extensions under her steampunk goggles.

Kourtney shrugs. "Just whoever. I think it's good to be open and welcoming, because of karma."

"Great choice, Kourt," Kris says. "And good perspective. An elf drinking a, uh, martini at the bar notices you talking, and he twists a chair around and comes and sits with you. You can tell he thinks you're really pretty," Kris says.

"Oh, is he cute?" Kourtney asks.

"He's pretty cute."

"I'm chill, like, I don't want to give him any vibes so I'm being cool," Kourtney says. "Hey, so, do you know anything about, like, a big chest—ha, not, like, boobs, like a wooden box—with some weird markings on it? It was hidden in a whale's body?"

"The Whalebones are islands, Kourt," Kim says, her mouth open slightly in a mocking smile as she points at the map. "We didn't go inside a whale's body."

"Oh my god, did you just say that Kourtney has a whale's body?" Khloe asks, finally looking up from her phone.


Despite Kourtney's flirting (which passes a charisma check with a roll of 16), the elf knows nothing. Khloe suggests they kill him because he might be lying, Kim asks what that would accomplish, and while the others are arguing, Kylie steals his coin purse. "I'm going to need it," Kylie says, "for the nursery." Everyone laughs, because is there anything funnier than the idea of Kylie being a mother????

It's Kendall who notices the party in the far corner. It isn't because of the symbols on their armor that match the chest, but their outlier status.  "Hey, so, like, are you guys woke?"

"Oh, Kenny," Kris says, tutting. "You're a big giant devil beast from a cursed race. You scare the men with your horrible face, and they grab their weapons and attack you. Girls, roll for initiative."

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