The Kardashians Play D&D Part I: Character Creation
It was a Friday night, and instead of going to—oh, I don't know—the MET Gala or something, the Kardashians huddled around a long, marble counter. Kris Jenner sat at the end of the table, her long fingernails clicking hurriedly on her Macbook as the rest of the party waited in an anxious silence.
The faces that shone under the recessed can lights were plump-lipped and thick with foundation: Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie. Caitlyn, of course, was not there—Kris hates her, I think, and maybe all of them do. No, this was a journey for the Ks, and yet not a single cameraman was present. After years of reality television, the Kardashians no longer find escape in places like The Black Jaguar-White Tiger Foundation or St. Barts. There is somewhere new that their private jet(s) cannot take them: the Forgotten Realms.
Although it was Kim who first heard tale of Dungeons & Dragons, it is Kris who has decided to take the role of Dungeon Momager. Kanye, of course, wanted to join, but when he heard that the beloved tabletop game had gotten too mainstream, he quickly started a session of Numenera instead. Scott Disick is dead. Jonathan Cheban is also dead. I don't know who anyone else is.
Since they wanted to make sure they would be able to sport custom made cloaks and leather bustiers for their sessions, the Kardashians blocked out an entire weekend to get the details of their PCs exactly right.
Below are their chosen characters. "How do you know this?" you ask, your eyes bright and curious. Because I'm the stalker who sent Kylie those pizzas, bitch.
After the roaring success of Kim's 2010 single "Jam (Turn It Up)," Kim felt most comfortable choosing the role of a bard. "My bard is, like, hot, though," she said to the table. "Like a MILF bard." Kris made this note in her Pages doc, nodding along enthusiastically.
Kim, who has always taken fondly to highlighting her cheekbones and telling other people what to do, related most with the majestic elves, who—if they existed in today's world—would probably have the exact same interests as Kim Kardashian.
Kourtney, who enjoys being the smallest of her sisters, wanted to further rub it in their faces. "I totally relate to the halfling, because I just feel like everyone's so much bigger than me, you know?" A heavy silence.
Still, Kourtney chose the role of cleric because she's not really a fighter. Nay, it is not Kourtney who fights with Amber Rose or Taylor Swift. She's the peacekeeper, the healer, the pacifist, the background character, what does she even do.
Khloe thinks other species are gross and rolled her eyes when her sisters chose them, beginning an argument filled with so many discrepancies that by the end of it, no one was really sure what happened. She smiled, smug. She loves to fight.
Kim rightly pointed out that in a post-apocalyptic situation, Khloe would survive in an army of one, as she doesn't think her sister is opposed to slitting people's throats. "I'm not," Khloe said. "I'd do it, like, no problem." She paused, considering this statement. "But I would say I'm totally peaceful, like a real Mother Theresa type. I'm nurturing." No one argued. No one dared.
Kendall puts on the guise of a nice girl, but she is actually a devil. I will write no more on this.
At first, Kylie thought she might play as a sorcerer, but after Kris told her she couldn't have 65 small dogs as her familiars, she was deflated. Instead—inspired by how much she enjoys stealing from other cultures—Kylie decided to play as a shady ass rogue.
While flipping through the Player's Handbook, Kylie let out a gasp of surprise. "What is it?" the other women yelled, tossing their long wigs behind their shoulders so that they could have a clear line of sight.
Kylie's fingers trembled on the page featuring gnomes, her hands touching lightly on their almost-human-but-sort-of-grotesque faces: plump lips, wide-set eyes, and high cheekbones. "I think... I think I might actually be a gnome."