Taxes are cancelled!


Good news, everyone! As the office admin at a small accounting office run by my mother-in-law and, therefore, a very reliable and reputable source in the accounting world, I can now announce the most exciting and important announcement Burn Your Faves has ever had: taxes are cancelled!

Yes! Yep, they are! This year, the next year, forever and ever. "What about our economy?" you ask with bulging eyes and a quickened heart rate. "What about government-funded programs and services? What if I need help from the police?"

First off, the police aren't even that great, so calm down. But, yeah, they're not coming to save you, and neither are the firemen or whatever else taxes pay for (astronauts???). But it's not bad news, it's just what it is: you don't have to worry about the economy or the government really at all anymore. 

Shh, shh, shh, don't be upset. I said don't worry. Taxes are over. They're all over. It's all over. Don't worry about anything at all, because soon there will be nothing left.

It's okay. This is good. This is better than the alternative, which is continuing to exist in this current sociological, political, butthole climate. On April 17th, 2018, after the DC holiday that allegedly exists on the 16th, your taxes are not due. You don't have to file for an extension, either. Instead, two things will happen: Kylie Jenner will finally reveal that she is the lead singer of Terror Jr. as Megan predicted long ago, and you and me and everyone we know will no longer have individual identities as we become a single existence. One right after the other, bada bing bada boom.

So don't worry about using Turbo Tax (if you don't love yourself) or getting your accountant back your signed e-file authorization forms (if you do love yourself). I don't need that 8821 to get a copy of any notices the IRS is sending you, because they can't send any notices when all of them have ascended to non-corporeal forms in our peaceful and swift assimilation into oneness. If you're going to H&R Block, just stop. You shouldn't have gone there in the first place, anyway.

Wait, wait, wait--what bank account are you getting your refund deposited into? Oh, that's right, banks aren't going to exist without anyone to run them after human instrumentality, so it doesn't matter. Silly me!

Anyway, enjoy what time you have left with your autonomy. A couple of fun ideas: masturbating, doing your makeup, and gorging yourself on clearance rack Easter candy. See you on the 17th!

Hale GoetzComment