Questions to Kylie Jenner from an expecting mother


Dear Kylie,

Burn Your Faves is not a mommy blog, or at least it wasn't supposed to be. How many posts about pregnancy do I need to write before it becomes a mommy blog? This will be my second.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry—this isn't for you to worry about. This is my own personal crisis based upon the fear instilled by a very specific male college professor who HEAVILY IMPLIED to a 20-year-old me that becoming a mom meant I wouldn't have any creativity left in my tiny li'l woman brain. 


I'm writing you today because my friend Grace sent me this video of you and Stormi, saying that she felt anger from how endearing it is. (It is endearing.) She also was annoyed at your 15-minute-long pregnancy vlog, but Kylie: I loved it. I watched it with my husband, and we both cried. You're becoming a real art house bitch!!

Still, it left a lot unanswered. As an expecting mother talking to a new mother, I'm hoping you can guide me, so I wrote up some questions for you.

1. Did you ever deal with hemorrhoids? I am on day four of hemorrhoid hell, and today my butt straight-up dripped blood when I stood up from the toilet today. Just wondering if maybe you have some Jenner-Kardashian home remedy? I know you guys believe in ghosts and stuff, so maybe there's something you know that I don't. I'm using a prescription butt cream.

2. Exactly how many cheeseburgers did you eat, and how did you avoid gestational diabetes? I have my GD screening in a couple of weeks, and I'm super nervous. Did you also have to down a fruit punch flavored GlucoCrush one hour before your appointment? The instructions on the GlucoCrush that the front desk gave me are different than what the nurse told me, and I'm just sort of confused: should I be done drinking it by 7:00AM or 7:25AM? What did you do?

3. How did you deal with people thinking the name Stormi is dumb? I mean... I know they did. A couple of people think my baby's name is dumb, too, and I just smile a lot, very vacantly. Wondering if you have a better method.

4. I, like you, haven't been that public about my pregnancy. (I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm writing about it on here, but no one reads this blog.) Now that Stormi is born, are you worried about documenting her life for the whole world to see, or are you cool with it because that's your whole thing, too? Do you ever think that these little micro views of our lives that seem so inconsequential are adding up to create a full profile for people to judge without even knowing us, creating this public self that can never be reconcilied with who we really are? Or think about what this means for Stormi, whose identity hasn't even been formed yet but will likely be shaped by everyone else's opinion of her more than any child before her? 

I guess I'm really asking this because I think I'm going to delete my Twitter, but then I'll have no social media, and how am I supposed to get internet famous? Let me know if you have any ideas.

5. I get asked this one all the time, and I'm not sure how to respond, so I'm wondering how you would answer: Are you Terror Jr.?

Thanks for listening,


Hale GoetzComment