I’m Sorry if I Put These Songs on Your Mixtape
A response to Tiffany Villalpando’s “Songs I Listened to While Crying Over Boys in High School”
“Everyone I Know is Listening to Crunk” – Lightspeed Champion
As much as I love Dev Hynes’s pre-Blood Orange project, it doesn’t mean you will. Also, he’s lamenting over a past love. Was I trying to tell you I’m better at being sad?
“Hazelton” – Justin Vernon
My Bon Iver Deep cuts don’t impress anyone in 2017. I know this now, but at the time I just wanted to show you how he reused the structure for “Holocene.” He’s matured since For Emma, and he’s growing up. In a way, I am too, right?
“Juicy” – Biggie
You know how this song comes on and everyone is like “this is my song”?
Well, it’s not. It’s nobody’s song, because it is everybody’s song.
“Mile After Mile” – Nurses
Great band, but doesn’t convey the message I ever meant to send. So why did I put it on your mix?
“Body and Soul” – Billie Holiday
The problem with this song is not putting it on a mix, as much as when I get drunk and do my Billie Holiday impression. That’s the real problem.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” – Rick Astley
I still think Rickrolling could make a comeback, but I’ve learned I shouldn’t put this as the unnamed last track of a burnt CD.
“Home is Where You’re Happy” – Charles Manson
Yeah, that Charles Manson. I probably told you all about his pseudo-friendship with Dennis Wilson and how he had a bad life, but if you listen to the lyrics, he is stunningly optimistic. I was so very wrong.
“Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop” – Landon Pigg
I never even really liked this song. If I’m at a coffee shop falling in love, I’m probably just actively avoiding doing work and should get back to editing, or whatever it is I do.
“Be My Thrill” – The Weepies
They’re adorable. Never mind this was a backwards way to tell you you’re boring.
“Question” – Old 97s
What am I? Zach Braff?
“You and Me” – Penny & the Quarters
What am I? Ryan Gosling? No I’m not, and I’ve finally accepted that I never will be.
“Middle Distance Runner” – Sea Wolf
Not sure what I meant by this. Sea Wolf’s metaphor isn’t promising a long-term relationship, but something more than a fling. A friend once told me he thought this song was about pre-mature ejaculation. Either way, not mixtape material.
“Still Around” – 3OH!3
They weren’t deep, This is the same band that used a Helen Keller joke for a chorus. I don’t know why I kept trying to justify it. I’m sorry to my 2008 love interests.
“Girlfriend in a Coma” – The Smiths
I had a brief crush, it didn’t work out, and then she got hit by car. Catchy song, though.
Anything by Conor Oberst
Honestly, I’m not sorry about this at all. In fact, I regret not putting more Bright Eyes on your mix. I’ll make you a new one. Can I borrow a blank CD?