I’m Sorry if I Put These Songs on Your Mixtape

A response to Tiffany Villalpando’s “Songs I Listened to While Crying Over Boys in High School

“Everyone I Know is Listening to Crunk” – Lightspeed Champion

As much as I love Dev Hynes’s pre-Blood Orange project, it doesn’t mean you will. Also, he’s lamenting over a past love. Was I trying to tell you I’m better at being sad?

“Hazelton” – Justin Vernon

My Bon Iver Deep cuts don’t impress anyone in 2017. I know this now, but at the time I just wanted to show you how he reused the structure for “Holocene.” He’s matured since For Emma, and he’s growing up. In a way, I am too, right?

“Juicy” – Biggie

You know how this song comes on and everyone is like “this is my song”?

Well, it’s not. It’s nobody’s song, because it is everybody’s song.

“Mile After Mile” – Nurses

Great band, but doesn’t convey the message I ever meant to send. So why did I put it on your mix?

“Body and Soul” – Billie Holiday

The problem with this song is not putting it on a mix, as much as when I get drunk and do my Billie Holiday impression. That’s the real problem.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” – Rick Astley

I still think Rickrolling could make a comeback, but I’ve learned I shouldn’t put this as the unnamed last track of a burnt CD.

“Home is Where You’re Happy” – Charles Manson

Yeah, that Charles Manson. I probably told you all about his pseudo-friendship with Dennis Wilson and how he had a bad life, but if you listen to the lyrics, he is stunningly optimistic. I was so very wrong.

“Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop” – Landon Pigg

I never even really liked this song. If I’m at a coffee shop falling in love, I’m probably just actively avoiding doing work and should get back to editing, or whatever it is I do.

“Be My Thrill” – The Weepies

They’re adorable. Never mind this was a backwards way to tell you you’re boring.

“Question” – Old 97s

What am I? Zach Braff?

“You and Me” – Penny & the Quarters

What am I? Ryan Gosling? No I’m not, and I’ve finally accepted that I never will be.

“Middle Distance Runner” – Sea Wolf

Not sure what I meant by this. Sea Wolf’s metaphor isn’t promising a long-term relationship, but something more than a fling. A friend once told me he thought this song was about pre-mature ejaculation. Either way, not mixtape material.

“Still Around” – 3OH!3

They weren’t deep, This is the same band that used a Helen Keller joke for a chorus. I don’t know why I kept trying to justify it. I’m sorry to my 2008 love interests.

“Girlfriend in a Coma” – The Smiths

I had a brief crush, it didn’t work out, and then she got hit by car. Catchy song, though.

Anything by Conor Oberst

Honestly, I’m not sorry about this at all. In fact, I regret not putting more Bright Eyes on your mix. I’ll make you a new one. Can I borrow a blank CD?

Joshua BohnsackComment