I Never Asked for This: Five YouTube-Recommended Videos

This is my morning routine:

My alarm goes off at 5:45, I turn it off. Another one at 6:15, off. At around 7:15, after my husband has fully gotten ready, he manages to get me out of bed. I pee, lumber over to the fridge, and grab a large glass of water and a protein shake. Then I move to the couch, where I open YouTube and watch videos of beauty vloggers for 10-20 minutes.

In the morning, I keep things tight: I have my regulars, so I usually watch one or two of those before I shower (or don't shower). I sometimes watch more if I can muster it, or, like, if there's an IMPORTANT LAUNCH. But I have this stack of recommendations I've been putting off because, fuck, how can I care about more things?? 

I can't. I don't. Here are five of them:


Skipped to my sign (Cancer), and this British girl thinks I should get my nipples pierced because I'm ruled by my tiddies and my maternal instincts. I agree.

Tana Mongeau is a controversial YouTuber. I know this because once I finished this video, everything that came up on my watch next was about EXPOSING TANA MONGEAU and how this teen is a FUCKING LIAR!!!! 

This particular video tells a boring story about Tana getting off easy after she was caught underage drinking at Coachella. I kept waiting for something really wild to happen after this shit opens with, like, headlines teasing details of Tana Mongeau's Coachella nightmare. She rode on a lil' golf cart, I guess. Also, at one point in the video, Tana talks about how she thought as she was getting arrested, This will be a good storytime. 

Tana, it wasn't. But 2.5 million people watched this, so it seems like them haters are giving you HIT$$$$$.

Hearing a gothic girl have an Australian accent was a pleasant surprise because I don't think I've ever really seen a true goth outside of, like, Amy Lee from Evanescence. I just can't imagine waking up everyday and putting on all of that white powder. What does it do to your skin? How are this sweet girl's pores doing? 

Well, spoiler: her reaction to 40 Years of Goth Shoes is overwhelmingly positive, met with a lot of squeals and sighs. I did not watch the whole thing, but I'm glad she's happy.

As someone who has seen the complete docu-series of Todd Ray's Freakshow, I do not think this friendly crust punk is really a freak. He's so mild-mannered and he wears a straw hat! How underwhelming!

Here's what! We've! All! Been! Waiting! For!!!!

I love ANTM, but I have not seen this season. It looks like... UK vs US? Is that true? I will not look it up. Anyway, someone's kink involves Kris Jenner as their dom mom, and because the young Jenners were not yet on the map, they were dragged along to this, too. Having Kris walk in and be met with screams while Kylie and Kendall get sympathetic smiles is, actually, my kink.

Jay explains the photoshoot as if it makes sense, like, "Yeah... Kylie and Kendall are jealous that their mommy loves you, and also there are evil clowns so... Work it, girls!!"

And they do.


6/23/17: One day after posting this, the ANTM Kris Jenner shoot has been taken down. This text will serve to honor its memory, or you can also just watch Cycle 18 on Hulu.

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