I Am Pregnant, and It Is Weird


Have you ever been pregnant? If you have, then you know: it's so weird! If not, then you don't know, but I'll tell you: it's really weird! We've been on a hiatus for like a month, so I don't really know how to write introductions anymore. Here are a bunch of examples:

My dreams are weird

This is one of the top-tier weirds. I've always had pretty involved dreams, but now they often scare me. A lot of violence, a LOT of blood. People say that's because when you're scared of childbirth you dream more about blood, but then why did I have a dream that my high school boyfriend and his friend became vampires, and I killed them by digging a wire into their necks until their heads came off and then slashed their faces up with a pocket knife? Hmm?

I cry while watching reality TV (not that weird)

Mostly it's about how much I love CT from The Challenge, but also every episode of Teen Mom OG... and America's Next Top Model. RuPaul's Drag Race. Queer Eye. Okay, it's all reality TV.

My appetite is weird

I'm hungry, then I'm not, then I have heartburn and I regret eating, and then I'm hungry again. I have to eat pretty much constantly otherwise I get sick to my stomach, but chances are after eating, that's going to happen regardless. I once cried because my husband said we had Goldfish that I had forgotten about. When Megan g-chats me about food she's eating, it makes me feel like I'm going to die, which is probably because that bitch only eats creamy, runny foods.

There's a tiny person inside me, and that's weird

So, I've had four ultrasounds. Can I just say: what the fuck? Baby started out as a tiny little circle, then a circle next to a circle, and now when I go in, I see a BABY. My most recent appointment had Baby curled at the bottom of my uterus like a sleeping cat, and then Baby popped it's foot out and I saw a perfectly shaped baby foot. Inside my body! A sweet lil baby!!!

Pregnancy apps are weird

It's really cool when my symptoms line up 100% from week to week, and I love knowing the size of my baby in terms of Parisian bakery goods, but then I get creepy things like, "If you have a daughter, her eggs are starting to grow this week! One of them might be your future grandchild!" Uhmmmm...mmm? ???? ??? ?

Weird substances emit from my body

Brown blood (at the beginning), creamy white mucus, so much snot, and a lot of drool.

My poop is weird

You know what's not coming from my body? POOP! As a longtime regular pooper, it's like my life has been turned upside down as I am now constantly constipated. I feel like Frodo when Sam is talking him out of his shit at the end of Return of the King using memories of the Shire, where he's like, "Ohhhh, Mr. Frodo, do you remember the taste of fresh strawberries?" But just replace every one of the longing sentiments with what it was like to have regular bowel movements. I'm... I'm starting to lose faith that I'll ever poop regularly again.

After reading online about people having similar problems, I took their advice bought a Squatty Potty knock-off that kind of helps with the sensation of shards of glass passing through your asshole. It helps about 10%.

Pregnancy books are weird

Every pregnancy book that exists for male consumption has, like, tools or plaid on it, and it makes jokes about how fat your wife is. Very, very heterosexual, like a Last Man Standing type of hyper-heterosexuality. Whatever. For the ones of us having babies, things are also weird. Like, I was reading a bunch of birthing stories from a ~*natural*~ (unmedicated) childbirth book, and one woman said she had her husband drink milk from her nipples to get childbirth going. Okay, but, can't I just eat spicy foods or something? Isn't that an option?

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