Here are Your Ssssizzling 2018 Horoscopes!
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Mercury is retrograde in Aries from late March to mid-April. People say "Mercury is in retrograde" a lot now for an excuse as to why they're garbage, but you don't need to do that because you are so naturally horrible in a way that really manages to shine through. When you're crying alone on your birthday, know it isn't because of any planetary alignments, but because this is what you deserve. Two eclipses in Leo mean you're going to have some drama this year, so text me the details.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
In 2018 your ruling planet of Venus is on fucking fire. Expect life changes, success, and a lot of happiness. I guess you could say that this year... you'll be... grabbing life by the horns. Ha!! Ha ha!!! Two is your magic number this year, so of course be sure to buy everything in duplicates with your double money. That also means you'll likely spend the year close to someone, whether it be a hot hot hot new partner or maybe a small, quiet pet.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
The planetary movements of Venus, Mars, and Uranus are bringing about a ton of change this year, which is great for you, because you can't make up your mind for shit anyway. Just after Venus turns direct in November, your planet Mercury conjoins Jupiter. That means if you're feeling horny, you're on the right track: Your winter is going to be full of laying pipe.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You know how you always know better than everyone else in a way that is truly out of this world? Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio from March through early July means you're going to be straight up psychic, so don't be afraid to neg anyone who you think is acting stupid because you're right and we all know it. Reading my Cancer horoscope for 2018 actually creeped me out, so I'm done talking about it. If you're a cancer, too, Google it, idc!!!
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
The lunar eclipse in January has the moon in Leo, which means you're about ten seconds away from freaking the fuck out about some truly old news, like Heath Ledger dying or your class photo in 8th grade. All of the fire signs have Mercury in retrograde at some point, and for you, Leo, it's in July and August. It's best to just stay seated at your desk or lay down in bed. Don't even practice self care to balance how awful you're feeling, because I'm certain your bath bomb will fizzle into your eye and melt your cornea.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
All Virgos are uptight, irrelevant nerds who no one is interested in, but for some reason, people are going to be inviting you to things this year. Perhaps it's the novelty of it? With all of this newfound attention combined with Mars's position in retrograde from late June to late August, you need to stop jerking yourself off or you'll fail miserably in your work life. 2018 is your year of travel, so please leave.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Jupiter visits your second house this year, which encourages you to stop slutting around and just settle for who-the-fuck-ever has the patience for you. You're making moneyyyy this year, and July’s solar eclipse in your tenth house indicates some career success. You can use that money from your boring job to pay for your boring wedding to your boring spouse. How nice!
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The last time you had a good year was 2006 (was it the release of Happy Feet?), but now that Jupiter is in Scorpio this year, bitch... Bitch. Feel free to do whatever you want with whoever you want, and make it a habit this year to ignore other's needs. Your friend is tired and wants to go home? Tie them to the chair and make them finish Gossip Girl season one. It doesn't matter if they plead! This year isn't about them, it's about you!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Money, friends, security, family, love: I hope you enjoyed these things in 2017, because in 2018, there is nothing left for you.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your ruling planet of Saturn is in Capricorn for the first time since 1991, which everyone knows means... New year, new you! New hair! New job! New friends! New enemies! The eclipse in July means you're going to bring someone along on this journey with you: Maybe a longtime friend or your blessed lover? No! Fuck them! New, new, new!!
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Aquarius—the artsy, individualistic water-bearer whose idea of avant garde is to say "Oh, I'm not on Facebook"—is going to be going through some changes this year. Jupiter resides in your career house until November, so being an ambitious bitch is in the stars, even if your revamped personality grates on everyone around you. Also, Saturn will be in your twelfth house for the next three years, so there is a distinct possibility that you will be asleep before you can finish reading this sentence. Cutting throats is hard work, honey.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Your last couple of years have been a shit show, but 2018 will be the year you stop embarrassing yourself. The key to doing this is by taking it easy. Don't say yes to anything. If you show up to that wedding, then you show up, but they can't expect a timely RSVP for your chicken dinner. It's not your problem! With Jupiter in your ninth house, it's likely you'll be craving the outdoors: Swimming pool? Nature Walk? Fyre Festival? Follow your little hippie heart to wherever it takes you.