Please watch these commercials from the MTV App

I have spent so much money on seasons of MTV reality shows that every now and then, I feel a twinge of guilt and open up the MTV archives (by using my friend's mom's log in). The good news is that this makes shows like The Challenge free (for me, not Pam). The bad news is that they make you sit through commercials.

They're not just commercials, okay. They're not! I wish I could make you understand, but despite many hours* (*minutes) Googling slight variations of basically the same thing, there are some commercials so shitty that the internet doesn't want them.

There's one where I have no idea what's being sold because some kind of mechanical unit is blasting so loud that I can't hear what anyone's saying. Another where local car salesman Tyler Stevens, BMW Genius, reads off cue cards while nervously making jokes about basketball. Yet another that I couldn't even find the words to properly Google where women in Andy Warhol colors hold Tupperware while dubstep plays that always cuts off before the end of the commercial. ("Tupperware woman bright colors"?) They are lost unto the world, but perhaps the world is better for it.

Maybe you'll watch these more mainstream ones and think, Hmm, these really don't seem that bad. Does Haleigh maybe have no chill? The answer is no, I don't. When I'm watching The Challenge: Free Agents, I don't have time for anything else but the next moment of Laurel's unending rudeness or display of CT's brutish strength. And, listen, I don't want to be sold anything while I'm just trying to watch a fkn elimination, okay!!!

Coca-Cola | Food Feuds

Good... God. The moment that takes me to 100 is when that quaint Midwesterner says he likes hummus, and then it changes to the redneck who says "humWHAT?" with a disgusted look on his face. Like, calm down, Bob, it's sold at your local Giant Eagle. It's not like hummus is some underground appetizer!!!

Also, one of these drips says sub sandwiches for game day food. I'm sorry... what? If I showed up to a party, and the host offered me a sub sandwich, I'd be irate. There is nothing more disgustingly "outdoor party" to me than a goddamn sub sandwich sitting on a platter over top of a plastic red-and-white gingham tablecloth, with flies landing on the warming meat and mustard packets lazily piled on the side. No!!!

Subway Signature Wraps - Rocking Horse

For some reason, this commercial plays really small in the top left-hand corner of the screen, so Justin and I chant "tiny commercial" when it comes on. I guess, therefore, that this one is good. 

Hertz - Late Arrival

Did they try to make the color palette of this commercial like a horror movie? I'm always half-expecting the groan of a chainsaw or a limping, decomposed corpse to walk onto set.

The narrator sounds like the heroine of a Sex-and-the-City-esque show, and the idea of her complaining to the Hertz lady about how tired she is when Hertz lady has to work the fkn night shift and provide for her family while this goddamn bitch travels the world in her cushy job with all of her airfare covered by corporate... No, you know what? Don't go to Lola's on Fifth, Brittany. You don't deserve their so-good homemade guacamole and I'm certainly not here for your falsified tales of strife from the bourgeois. None of us can relate. We're going to Taco Bell to shame eat in the parking lot.

Midway Dodge - Gold Tag Sale

I don't even know how to talk about this commercial. COMESEEMEMARIOTHECRAZYBOSSATMIDWAYDODGE. Tag yourself. I'm the receptionist at the end whose heart just isn't into it, and she walks away before the cut is over.

USF Master of Science in Entrepreneurship and Innovation

No content complaints. I love this song and have a hot dance for it. 

Hale GoetzComment