Cautionary Dating App Tales (And One Pro-Tip)

Dating apps, am I right?

They’re the worst but also sometimes (usually just once, though) not the worst. And then they come back to haunt you in the weirdest ways! Fun! Here are just some of my old dating app escapades, which were all weird and, apparently, immortal.

The one with the ferret

I went on two boring dates with a guy who talked about his pet ferret a lot, and then a year later, I saw a tweet about a missing ferret in the city. Naturally, I dug up the dude’s info and sent the tweet along with a note: “Hey, I don’t even know if you still live in this city, but a missing ferret was found, in case it’s yours! Hope all is well!”

Side note: He invited me to his improv show and they spent a lot of time doing a bit about BDSM and then something about squirrel jerky?

The one who seemed too cool

His profile used ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and also said his likes include “Halloween, dogs, and dogs in Halloween costumes.” I figured he was far too cool for me. But he’s a big fat nerd and, well, 10/10, would date again. Currently living together and he’s a delight.

The one with the Obama coasters*

About a month before I met my handsome dude, I briefly (like, "hey" "hey" "sup" "nm u" "nm" "cool" "g2g") chatted with a guy who was later spotted in my handsome dude's Facebook pictures. It was weird. Turns out, they were ROOMMATES! Oh, how we laugh about it now. 

The one from the past

A thing I learned: Finding someone from your high school on a dating app doesn’t always mean a romantic comedy is in your future. It just means that neither of you left the town you grew up in.

The one with the cute dog

We were putting together a jigsaw puzzle and his dog had diarrhea on the kitchen floor.

The one with the Obama coasters, pt. 2

A few weeks ago, our friend found my profile on another dating app:


So here’s my pro-tip for everyone using dating apps: Deleting the app does not delete your account! I know it’s so easy to delete the app when you have one bad date or get extra salty about not finding any matches after drinking a bottle of wine with your cat. But just remember to delete your account.

Or, like, your former boss will come across your profile, and that would be weird. (Maybe I’m projecting because I found my old boss on a dating app once and it was weird.)

Happy dating, or whatever!!!

*The Obama coasters are ACTUALLY HALE’s.

Ashley HolstromComment