BYF Recommends 2017

Fantasy Football

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I don't know anything about football, but the key word here is fantasy. I pretend my entire team (The Palatine Lil Fuckers) is made up of strong, Amazonian women. I have been to one fantasy football gathering, and I ate a lot of really good food with good friends and spent time with two (2) babies and one (1) great dog. I am in the losers' bracket. HG

My New Bathtub

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I love being submerged in water! The best way to fully submerge is to lay on my stomach with just my eyes and nose above the water. I turn off all the lights and burn a candle and listen to the soothing pop hits of today. One time I was stoned in the bathtub and my maintenance man came over unannounced and I answered the door red-eyed and dripping wet in my thrift store silk bathrobe and he YELLED AT ME for ?? The front door buzzer?? That was my worst bath of the year. Every other bath was the best bath of the year. MK

A Third Pillow

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Consider this: instead of two pillows, have three. You can hug the third while you lay on your side. Cat chewing the curtain again? Chuck the pillow at her to discourage this behavior. In the morning, said third pillow could be anywhere, which creates a sort of game: Where could it be? On the ground? Between your legs? Under your head?? Oh, what fun, what fun! HG

The Packet of Crystals That Came With Kim Kardashian's Perfume

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Did you know that Kim packed every single envelope of rose quartz crystals herself? These four crystals hum with a healing energy, and they make me feel close to my best friend and role model (Kim). The perfume smells fine, but that doesn’t have anything to do with why I bought this. MK

Maximum Isolation

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It's not total isolation, but it is the most I have been able to obtain. You better believe I am living it up at home, honey. Eating Ramen, watching The Office (again), and falling asleep anywhere, anytime! My husband said of my maximum isolation: "It feels like you've been working up to this for years." Don't try to reach me on social media, because I only have a rarely-checked Snapchat! I still love you all the same, but I probably won't see you again until the next event someone else plans. Call me on my flip phone! HG

DVDs, Baby

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The internet is dying and 2017 saw  a return to physical media! Nothing like the weight of an ice cold DVD on your palm. Nothing like putting a DVD around your finger and spinning it around. DVDs are back, baby, and everyone is talking about it! MK

YouTube

I hear that YouTube is on its way out in terms of being in, which of course means that I am just now subscribing to channels. I mostly watch videos about drag queens, makeup, and vine compilations (RIP). It's great, have you tried it? Here is a video I watched this morning and loved. HG

Arugula

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Never will I be able to finish a whole thing of arugula by myself, but this is a fun challenge because arugula is good as hell. Put it on top of a bagel with a little red onion! Make a salad of arugula leaves, bleu cheese and a light vinaigrette! Buy a baguette and make a sandwich from goat cheese, orange marmalade, and a bunch of arugula and watch friends and strangers say, “Whoa.” MK

Tape

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While wrapping Christmas presents this year, I had the realization that tape is, like, this stable, unchanging foundation of my life. I work as an office admin, which means I am using tape to seal envelopes alllll of the time, because I really don't like licking things. (I'm married, and that's technically cheating). I like when you get tape off a roll and the top of it is smooth and matte and then you press it onto a sheet of paper and push out all the air bubbles. I love when you've ripped off a square of packing tape, and then you can use the ridges and pull to make strips. I just think tape is really great, and I'd like to say... Let's hear it for tape!!! HG

Making Your Friends Watch this 15-Minute Long Frosting ASMR Video

Here is how you make this happen: 1) Have a debilitating hangover 2) Invite yourself over on a Sunday afternoon 3) Take over the Youtube playlist on the large-screen TV and play a 15-minute long frosting ASMR video 4) Say, over and over, that the 15-minute frosting ASMR video is a work of art that belongs in a museum 5) Let your friends feed you a delicious risotto 6) Say “I AM SO TIRED I WISH I WAS DEAD” and when people react poorly to that proclamation say “I’M JUST BEING DRAMATIC I WANT TO BE ALIVE” and then catch the train and let yourself think about how lucky you are to have good people in your life. MK

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