Apple iPhone App Review: Plant Nanny Is Good

"Good morning, Sarah," I whisper to my phone. Sarah is a cactus on level three, and she has recently grown another face. I try not to think if that means each face has its own consciousness, or if Sarah's faces are two parts to the same central nervous system. She smiles, as she always does, her cheeks rouged over her prickled skin. The second face blinks absently on the side, seemingly oblivious to our interaction. Unsettling, and yet, I love her all the same—she’s growing ever strong.

How do they grow, you ask? I laugh, my eyes bright as I'm excited to tell you: by me drinking the daily recommended fluid ounces of water based on my weight and height, of course! Since I am both fat and tall, that is a lot of water. Each time I drink a water bottle of water, I hold down on an icon in the righthand corner of the screen. “Keep going on then you will have a healthy body!” the app tells me. I have to pee right now, as I write this. But soon I will have a healthy body! (I had Chinese food for lunch).

I named my current cactus, Sarah, after my friend (Sarah), because she has a prickly personality (like a cactus). Before her was Gigi, named after Gigi Hadid because I had happened to just read an article about how Gigi Hadid been saying a lot of racist things lately, and I couldn't think of any other names. Gigi is a devil's ivy thriving in my garden now, producing brown seeds which I can use to buy different pots for the plant children to live in.

Oh! And what a selection they have! The current apple of my eye is called "Mother's Love," a lovely pink pot I can raise the kids in. The description of the pot reads, "This pot is the most beautiful and special gift for moms, thanks them for giving us so much love." Did the plants write this? It doesn’t matter, I'd just really like it. I'd really like to have it.

But I am not these plants' mother. I am their Plant Nanny, which means I watch these plant children while their plant parents are... Absent. Gone. Withered. Empty pots. Unlike my nannying jobs of days' past, I do not get $10 an hour. I merely get the satisfaction of seeing them grow.

My plants and I, we travel the country. Currently, I have two backgrounds: trees and pyramids. We’re visiting Egypt now, where I guess I have a house that looks directly onto the pyramids. It’s quaint. We’re happy here. We can be a family here.

The only downside to Plant Nanny is the disturbing articles the children have to see. Why, just this morning, the ad on the bottom read “Arrest Records: 2 Secrets” and then another “Are They Cheating? Find Out The Truth!” Totally vile, and yet... My finger hovers, my breath quickens. I can’t bring myself to click, but the question pulls at my mind as my finger double clicks on the home button. Plant Nanny is frozen, suspended in time, waiting for me to swipe up. What are the two secrets?

I would say that Plant Nanny is a very good application to have on your phone, especially if you once lived a life where you exclusively drank Diet Coke. Now, rearing plant children and having a healthy, hydrated body go hand-in-hand. And, really, what more could you ask for in a free app?

Hale GoetzComment