A Quick Review of Seven Saw Movies

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I took a week of vacation to work on my writing portfolio, and instead I drew a lot of pictures of flowers (?) and watched seven Saw movies on Netflix. Here are really short reviews of them with a lot of spoilers and a lot of missing pertinent details. 

Saw

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This is a great movie. Saw has daddy hunk Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride and Ben from Lost, which are pretty much the last two recognizable faces in this franchise. Weirdly, I have vivid memories from when I saw this movie in middle school of Cary hacking off his leg very violently at the end of the movie, but it turns out that was a false memory. There is about as much blood in this movie as I have on one cycle of my period (low to moderate). I really thought the first Saw was hyper violent, but it's not at all. Kind of casts a shadow of doubt over all of my memories, tbh. 

Saw II

This is a good movie, but there's too much detective stuff. I really don't care about the boring ass detectives trying to solve the case, only the people trapped in the torture house. 

I guess I should say that the plot of all of the movies is that Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) kidnaps people who don't value their lives and puts them through self mutilation hell which they can survive if they try hard enough... But only sort of. Sometimes he just straight kills people. The fact that this happens is solidly ignored. Imho, Saw II contains the easiest trap to get out of, which is this one:

Come on!!! Just use your brain for one instant!!!

Saw III

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From now on, the movies stop being good and hover around okay, so I'm going to stop saying how good they are. They're all just fine.

Amanda, who is a hot former drug addict who I would potentially take on a date if she was interested in leaving her life of murder behind (or not), survived her trap from the first movie and was revealed at the end of the second movie to be working with Jigsaw. In this movie, she makes traps on behalf of a now dying Jigsaw, only ole Amanda makes sure people can't get out because she doesn't think they deserve second chances. In response to her actions, Jigsaw calls her a murderer, which? Seems a little hypocritical? 

This movie is the first time I felt genuinely sad when people died, namely Amanda and this doctor named Lynn who was a real MVP and performed surgery on Jigsaw while he had her in a trap. Oh, that reminds me: Jigsaw is dead now, too. 

Saw IV

So how can a franchise go on once the main character is dead, you ask? Uhm! Next question! Who are we following around now? Well, the good news is that this movie is (vaguely) in the arms of my sweet Scott Patterson, AKA Luke, everyone's favorite diner owner from Gilmore Girls. Remember when I said I didn't care about the detectives? Well, I care about this one!!

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My favorite trap is in this movie, which includes a detective standing on a melting ice block, who presumably will be hung to death when the ice melts. Just when you think that's a trap you can get behind, someone comes into the room and triggers the trap, which includes two blocks of ice coming from out of fucking nowhere and just smashing his head. Ahhh!!! What!!!

Anyway, Luke is great, he's so hammy and handsome. I love him so much. Luke, Luke, Luke. This movie introduces some vital characters, but man, who cares? Luuuuke!!

Saw V

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Luke's back! With a bang! Or should I say a tracheotomy? Ha ha! This motherfucker stabs his neck with a hollow pen after "Jigsaw" traps him with a box around his head that's filling up with water. Hmm, okay! I'll buy it! 

There are a group of shady people stuck in a torture basement that's differentish from Saw 2 (I guess). They don't realize until the very last trap that if they worked together, they would have all survived. So that's wholesome.

There is also a very convoluted detective plot going on (fucking, surprise, surprise!!!), but here's what you need to know: I put Jigsaw in quotes earlier because he's been replaced by the driest character in the series, Detective Hoffman, who was a big fan of the OG Jigsaw's work and who—I guess?—has been working alongside him for all of the Saw movies before this one. You learn this fun fact in this movie through carefully edited flashbacks. Ahhh!!

After Luke figures this out, Hoffman kills Luke. :'(

Saw VI

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The plot of this movie is pretty much that Jigsaw is a jaded version of Bernie Sanders, who comes to the realization that health insurance is a scam. Horrified by how often they fuck people over, he starts killing (oh, sorry, saving, testing, whatever) people who work in a very fancy version of Blue Cross Blue Shield where you're not just talking to some bored dude on Tinder from a call center, but a fat cat in a skyscraper who drinks alcohol in his office. This is before the Affordable Care Act, and frankly, I think it's what made it pass.

Also, Jigsaw has a wife, who hates Hoffman about as much as I do. She puts the reverse bear trap on that motherfucker, but he escapes, uuuuuugh. Jill!! If you're going to kill the big bad, you gotta do it right, sister!

Saw 3D / Saw VII: The Final Chapter (It's not the final chapter)

This movie came out in 3D, which means that they HAD TO include this v, v booby girl who is brutally killed:

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Seeing as the victims are always kidnapped, like, does that mean she was actually wearing this outfit before she was chained to a death trap and then cut in half? Lmk your theories below.

Watching this movie, I was like, uuuuugh this is the worst one!!!!! Hoffman just keeps winning again and again and again, where it gets to the point where it's honestly kind of depressing, but then! It's revealed Jigsaw had another apprentice (lmao ok), and this one is Dr. Lawrence Gordon AKA CARY ELWES, who survived the events of the first movie! Ahh!!

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Ahhhh!!

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