Snapback #3: Ariana Grande

Ponytails. Pop songs. Defiled donuts. This month, we review pop princess Ariana Grande’s Snap Story.

 

Megan Kirby: Mark, you chose Ariana Grande as our next SnapBack review. Why did you pick her?

Mark Heffernan: Uh, I love her. And I want to talk about her. That’s why.

MK: What does she do? How did she get famous?

MH: She’s from Boca in Florida. I think she did Broadway when she was younger. She’s a very good singer. She mostly is known because she was on Nickelodeon, on the show Sam and Cat. After that she started releasing music.

MK: The things I know about Ariana Grande: She’s got a ponytail. She looks like a sexy baby all the time. She guest-judged on RuPaul’s Drag Race once. She met a demon—that’s the only thing I really care about. I don’t know, I don’t really get Ariana Grande.

MH: Excuse me?

MK: I’m sorry! It’s the same with Mariah Carey. I don’t really get pop divas. I like her music, she has some jams. I thought I’d like her more after watching her Snapchat, and I feel mostly indifferent.

MH: She’s been a lot worse at Snapchat. We also hit up her Snapchat during Hairspray Live, where she played Penny. It was not a good time to start. But that’s okay. You can’t always win.

MK: For a long time all of the Snaps were just a bunch of musical theatre kids chanting, “Can’t stop the beat.” That’s who I actively try not to hang out with. So if this week was subpar, what are some of her classic snaps that I missed out on?

MH: She must own two boy goats. Because when she goes home she has like 15 dogs, and she also has these goats. She took a picture a picture of the goats coming out of a dog house and it just says, “My sons.”

When she was in Greece, she was at some farm with an old man and there were all these goats. And she was like, “I love them. My people.” It was weird. Then one of the goats got a boner and humped another goat.

MK: There were zero goats this week!

MH: She has a better personality than you would think. She can be very funny. My favorite snaps are for sure the goats. My favorite thing she ever did was the donut video, which was not a Snapchat.

MK: Want to really delve in there?

MH: There was a security video of her at a bakery somewhere in California. They left donuts on top of the counter, and when the worker turns away Ariana looks at a donut and says, “What the fuck is this?” And she goes, “I hate Americans, I hate America.” And then she puts her tongue out and licks the donut. So someone else bought that nasty licked donut! And then the donut shop got fined for leaving donuts out!

MK: I love thinking about when the teens who worked there rolled back the tape. They were probably so excited that Ariana Grande came in, and then she’s licking donuts and talking shit about America. Treason!

MH: Then she made a YouTube video saying, “You guys, I love America. I’m an American.”

MK: Didn’t she blame it all on the obesity epidemic?

MH: Ariana Grande’s fight against childhood obesity.

MK: Back to her Snapchat, she has so many dogs.

MH: 7 or 8 dogs.

MK: Animal hoarding is such a celebrity thing. Paris Hilton has so many dogs. Kylie has so many dogs. Anyway, Ariana brought this dog with her all over. His name is Toulouse. Like Toulouse-Lautrec the 19th century french painter? Or Toulouse the city in the South of France? You know, normal dog name.

MH: She’s been snapping a lot with Mac Miller now that they’re an item. Do you like them together?

MK: I don’t think I know who that is… Is this him?

MH: Yeah!

MK: I didn’t know this was him! I’ve had a screenshot of him on my phone for weeks and I didn’t know who it was! They went to Trader Joe’s!

MH: Yeah, they’ve been smooching a lot.

MK: Mac Miller! Huh! Thought he was just some rando!

MH: No, that’s her boyfriend. He’s just a regular guy who raps. I think he’s jewish?

MK: So apparently Mac Miller and Ariana went to Trader Joe’s together. That’s why I took a screenshot of Mac Miller with two brussels sprout swords. Because I was comforted by the fact that they shop at Trader Joe’s. That’s where I grocery shop. Stars! They’re just like us!

MH: Ariana goes to a lot of places I also go. Even though the only one I can think of right now is Trader Joe’s.

MK: What Trader Joe’s staples do you think Ariana likes?

MH: I hope she likes Gummy T&J’s, cause I like T&J’s.

MK: Gummy Tummies Penguins with Soft Tummies. Uhm. I like their microwave quiches. Do you think Ariana would eat a microwave quiche?

MH: Do you think she gets two buck chuck? Or do you think she goes a step up for the honey wine?

MK: I think she goes for a $7.99 bottle of wine, at least. Maybe even a $13.99 bottle.

MH: I mean, she has the money. Were you following her when she went on a Snapchat tour of her mom’s business? She goes through the factory for her mom’s company. It’s like radios for airplanes for the military?

MK: You know, it sounds like I missed out on a lot of good stuff.

MH: I’m telling you, we tuned in at a bad time!

MK: I thought she would do more holiday stuff since she literally has a holiday album called Christmas and Chill. But the only thing she did was snapping after the Jingle Ball, and she was like, “That was my last Jingle Ball!” Why didn’t she Snap the others?

MH: That was when she said her favorite sexual innuendo line is, “Are you down for some of these milk and cookies?”

MK: You like Christmas and Chill. We listened to it like five times in a row at your apartment.  

MH: It’s just like R&B pop music with Christmas lyrics.

MK: The song “Santa Tell Me” is a holiday pop classic chronicling how Ariana Grande wants to… fuck Santa? I mean, I would.

MH: Like a daddy thing?

MK: You can make a lot of chimney jokes.

MH: Reindeer.

MK: Coal chutes…

MH: Ew.

MK: Did you say reindeer?

MH: She loves animals!

MK: “Santa Tell” Me is great!

MH: I think the music video was just filmed in her house. I do not like her house. There’s no art. It’s all white walls and wrought iron railings. The video has some light choreography. Very light. That’s okay. It’s fine. We listen to the song every Christmas since it’s been out.

MK: I make a point to listen to it. It’s a good song.

MH: It’s important! My song for when the winter season approached used to be on Relient K’s Apathetic EP. The song that they did for The Chronicles of Narnia but was not used in The Chronicles of Narnia.

MK: Very specific.

MH: I haven’t listened to it yet this year, because I’ve been listening to Christmas and Chill. Actually, I listen to Christmas and Chill year round.

MK: You bought tickets to see Ariana in Chicago, right?

MH: Not yet.

MK: What? Oh shit. You’ve got to get on that!

MH: It’s really expensive, but I’m ready. It’s about as much as I spent at Old Navy today.

MK: So what? $90?

MH: Yeah! I think more with the TicketMaster taxes.

MK: I always appreciate when people measure their finances by how much they last spent at Old Navy. I’m always like, “Oh, my rent is six times what I last spend at Old Navy.”

MH: Yeah, I have to buy the tickets. I really… love her.

MK: You call always Ariana your princess. Why do you say that?

MH: I just think of her as… my princess!

MK: When I see her I’m like, “Oh, there’s Mark’s princess.”

MH: You know how people feel about a real princess? Like you have a connection you can’t explain. There’s no real reason to be as into it. But I think she has a good voice, I like her music, and she has a look that’s not that distinct but it’s good.

MK: She’s never embarrassing. Which is important for celebrities—it’s so easy to be embarrassing.

MH: And sometimes she does stuff like her Saturday Night Live performance where she wore her coat half-on and backwards. It’s not great but I can get into it.

MK: What do you think 2017 holds for Ariana?

MH: She has her tour. She did say on Snapchat recently, she’s already recorded a new album. She said some bullshit like, “I just love making music.” Whatever, don’t care. I mean, I care. I care a lot.

So she’ll go on tour, she’ll probably appear on TV or in a movie, and I bet you by this time next year—

MK: She’ll be dead.

MH: What? No! She’ll release a new single!

MK: Okay, so, should you follow?

MH: I have been following her forever and I love it. But if you were not a fan of hers, her Snapchat does not give you much reason to follow.

MK: I would say no. As someone who likes a few of Ariana’s songs but doesn’t care about her that much, I wasn’t super into it. I like the dogs.

MH: The goats!

MK: I didn’t see the goats! If I had, I would say 100 percent everyone go follow Ariana Grande. But look, I mean: No goats, no follow.

MH: Where do the goats live?

MK: Are you sure they live at her home?

MH: I don’t know. They just show up. It’s hard to really understand.