Decoding the Instagram Algorithm

You know how Facebook has an algorithm that sets the nine friends who appear on the left side of your profile? It pulls from people whose stuff you like a lot, new friends, and people you talk to less now that you've graduated high school and are better than them. This is common practice in social media: customize and create #content to keep your users hooked. 

One site, however, breaks this format. Instead of finding things that are relevant to your interests, Instagram chooses things to confound and belittle you. Here, dear reader, are six examples from my very own suggested posts which Instagram chose specifically for me.

Please, decode.

I think this has been going on for a while now, this joke about how the doll doesn't look like Emma Watson at all. It's weird. It's sort of funny.

The real mystery, though, is not that Belle/Emma has shown up on my suggested posts, but that she shows up constantly, sometimes twice in the same row. I stare at the vacant eyes of this plastic trash doll, and I start to feel a deep sense of loneliness. Will she find love, this shell of Emma Watson? Will children buy her, or will she grow old on the shelves of Target until one day, she loses relevance, and is tossed into a field full of forgotten dolls slowly decaying? 

Oh, god, am I Belle?

I have never been to Baltimore, yet here I am, receiving inside jokes I can't relate to. Does it not snow a lot in Baltimore? I typed this same question into my search bar and found:

For about 13 days in winter, Baltimore has at least an inch of snow on the ground. Snow mostly accumulates during January and February. Typically, on one or two days in January and in February, the snow covering Baltimore gets to five or more inches deep.

Well, I live in Illinois. I hope y'all figure it out!

Okay, so, I actually have a guess for this one: a lot of people who watch KUWTK also hate the Kardashians, so they create blogs against the Kardashians but also watch their show and follow them religiously because they love them. Because I liked all of those pics of Kim "playing poor," I got directed to these people. Am I close?? 

As someone who has also been made into a meme, I'm sorry that people did this to you, anon girl. For what it's worth, I think you look cool!!

The only thing I like less than reality show vocal competitions is Disney's Frozen. Oh, boy, even seeing this screenshot is giving me the nervous itch. Hot Vocals is omnipresent on my recommended posts, so I probably have a family member or friend who lowkey watches every single one of these videos. When they saw the metal version of "Let It Go," they were like, "OH MY GOD, that is SO original, haha! The things these people think of!!!"

Did I mention already I liked all of Kim's posts since she's back on Instagram? Anyway, something that gets tossed my way a lot is pretty/famous girls with red circles around them. Usually, it means that there's something that's similar from pic to pic, sometimes it's used as a way to make fun of the original red circlers, and then...

Ice queen. They made her into, like, an elven princess of frost, right?

I love this recommendation. It is relevant to my interests.

Maybe ten-ish years ago, my dad was so convinced Daniel Radcliffe starred in The Faculty he bet me $5 that he was right. I was like, "Dad, he would have literally been nine years old," and his nose was all flared as he asked me, "Wanna bet?" Needless to say, I won. However, I did not receive the promised payout.

So, I have to ask: is Larry @mybaegomez_???

And who the fuck is Ilya Wood?

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