The Bare Minimalism

If I’m going to be totally honest with you, I get an almost sexual feeling when I donate things to Goodwill. I’m like, Oh, yes, that sweater never fit me right. Now a plus size girl can wear it to her cousin’s wedding. I’m hot just thinking about it!!!

Does that make me a minimalist? Absolutely. Do you want to be a minimalist, too? Let me help you.

Step One: Be a Rich Person 

Being disgustingly rich brings you some perspective the poverts don’t have like, say, a lack of fear that your things could be taken at any moment when you can’t pay your bills because the capitalist society you live in was created to keep people like you trapped and consuming. Hahahaha!! 

If you’re not a fat cat (figuratively, NOT literally, minimalists are NOT fat) from Silicon Valley, then get the fuck off this page right this second. No one wants to read about your personal journey. You are trash.

If you are, well, hello, welcome to my website. Would you like a link to my Amazon Wishlist?

Step Two: Get Rid of Your Stuff and Replace It With Better Stuff

Minimalism is all about getting rid of the junk, but you can’t just replace it with more junk. You have to get the nicest shit available. Here, let me demonstrate:

This is a faux leather Walmart atrocity brought forth by Better Homes and Gardens, a joke magazine made for rich people to laugh about together. 

This, now, woo, this is a chair. It swivels. It has a cushion separate from the body of the piece. It’s made of real leather, so that when I masturbate on/because of it, I can feel the soul of a dead animal trying to escape through my thighs.

Burn the polyurethane. Buy the ultrasoft, top-grain leather.

Step Three: Paint All of Your Walls White

I mean just

And then you’ll

Honestly, the more white, the better. White walls are the most important, but if you can get a white couch and have it stay white, that is the truest way to demonstrate to visitors that you are superior to them.

Other hot trends: Buy shelves but don't fill them; Buy art that's just a circle on a canvas; Empty out a whole room just to think in; Remove your closet doors to display your crisp linens.

Step Four: Start a Blog/Empire

Are you ready to start on a journey that will change your life? Well, hold on for a second, because you need to buy a domain from Squarespace.

Make sure to choose a simple name, but it cannot be The Minimalist(s) because those two wads already claimed it. And then you brand, brand, brand. Ask for donations, because ads are TACKY and against your new style. Take a picture of yourself in a plain, white shirt and filter it black and white. In your about section, speak in simple sentences. (Minimalists don't like complex sentence structure.) Write posts about how easy everything is now, even if you hate it all. 

Step Five: Live, Laugh, Love


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