SnapBack #2: The Jonas Brothers
In the latest SnapBack, we scrutinize not one, not two, but three celebrity Snapchats: Nick, Joe and Kevin, collectively known as the Jonas Brothers. And we have some strong opinions.
Megan Kirby: Who are the Jonas Brothers and why are they famous?
Mark Heffernan: The Jonas Brothers were—I don’t know, ten years ago, a boy band who had a few sort-of hits. Disney hits.
K: What were the songs?
H: “Year 3000.” What was the one? “SOS.” Selena Gomez is in the video. And they’re on a boat. And they, like, capture someone in a net. No? Okay. I guess they were kind of known for Camp Rock. Were they just a band? Maybe I don’t even know why they were famous. They had a Disney Channel show later. Uncomfortably later—like no one wanted it.
K: I don’t remember the world pre-JoBros.
H: It was so long ago and they were babies. Nick and Joe have kept up their fame. I think they both faded away for a little weird period, but they’re back now.
K: Now Nick is a sexy popstar. He’s too sexy.
H: He’s a lot of sexy. Do you think it works?
K: It makes me uncomfortable. He’s always in chains… for your love.
H: I’m going to say, just straight out, about Nick’s Snapchat—having followed him, I like him less than I did before. I do not like his personality. Getting to know him has not been fun.
K: He has a bad personality. He does this bit where he takes a video of himself and he’s like… DEEP EXHALE…. “Here’s another deep thought for ya.” Then he says some bullshit first world problem stuff and he’s trying to be funny, but it’s not. He seems like the kind of guy who floats by on being hot so he doesn’t have a personality. People laugh at his jokes anyway.
H: If you find him attractive, he does post shirtless pictures. He was in Hawaii filming something.
K: Camp Rock II.
H: Camp Rock II: Rock Harder. Except I think they already did a Camp Rock II.
K: Camp Rock III: Back to the Island.
H: Then for Halloween, he dressed as a sad scarecrow.
K: Boo! Bad costume!
H: And Demi Lovato dressed up like Dorothy. And someone dressed up as the Cowardly Lion—I couldn’t find out who he was on the internet.
K: He’s not famous! Next!
H: Alright, should we move on to Joe Jonas? What do you think of Joe?
K: He’s always been the hottest Jonas Brother. He’s so handsome. And he has a good personality. Do we both agree Joe can get it?
H: Absolutely Joe can get it. I’ve actually been taking screenshots of Joe for awhile. He was doing this thing when he goes to coffee shops in different cities, andhe'd take a video with this weird instrumental music playing and he’d do a slow pan and then quickly zoom in on something weird. It was very funny. He stopped doing it, but I loved it. He’s way more interesting than I would have thought.
K: Joe snaps a lot with his band DNCE. They’re the ones who sing “Cake by the Ocean.” He’s the lead singer. And the band is made up of a cool weird girl, a guy with really freaky hair, and then just this dude who seems really normal, right? You could crop him right out. Is he in the band? Is he just their buddy?
H: Joe is always traveling with the band. They were in Europe, they were in the US, they were in Asia, now they’re back in Europe.
K: It seems like Joe is living his truth and having a good time and spreading joy through Snapchat.
H: Wow they’re kind of cool. When I look at the shit DNCE posts, I’m kind of into it.
K: It seems like either they genuinely really like each other, or they’re very good at pretending.
H: I need to talk about this—he’s always snapping in helicopters. Why? No one else is in helicopters that much.
K: Can’t you just take an Uber?
H: Is it practical?
K: Especially because he’s not that famous. When you’re super A-List it’s like, helicopter, sure. Do you think he’s friends with a helicopter pilot? They just hang out?
H: That would be very DNCE of him. Why not? The other thing I like is that Joe Snapchats at his concerts on stage, which is fun of him. Alright, Should we move on to Kevin?
K: We watched for about two weeks. Kevin posted twice. And we found out through some lazy googling that he supposedly runs a company that manages other celebrity Snapchats, called Flashhop! And I just don’t understand… Would you go to a furniture maker who never sat in chairs?
H: How many times do you think he Snapchatted?
K: He snapchatted twice! I know because I screenshotted both times. And both of them were of his daughter so it felt creepy. I have two pictures of Kevin Jonas’s daughter on my phone. We can’t post them.
H: Same. I have them, I don’t think I can do anything with them. And I will say, for Snapchats with children, they were not good. They weren’t doing anything cute. They weren’t interesting.
K: What is Kevin doing right now?
H: Oh, Megan. This is what I do know. He lives in New Jersey and he appeared on an episode of the Housewives of New Jersey about two, three years ago.
K: He married his high school sweetheart, right? Do you think he wanted to be famous or he just wanted to hang out with his brothers?
H: I think he was open to the idea of being famous but he wasn’t very good at it.
K: If Kevin was my boyfriend, everyone would be like, “Oh, Kevin’s cute.” But because he’s a celebrity and his brothers are super hot, it’s like, “Who is this troll?”
H: Listen, he’s not out there posting shirtless selfies.
K: I’m going to hire him to manage my Snapchat. It can’t be that expensive.
H: No. He’s not that good at Snapchat.
K: He’d tell me to take more pictures of my kids. And the other thing is, in the two-ish weeks we watched, his wife had a baby! Why didn’t he Snapchat it, like, coming out of her vagina?
H: Listen, do you think maybe he didn’t Snapchat because he was busy having a baby?
K: If I was having a baby: front-facing cam through the whole thing, focused on my face.
H: Right, well you can’t do that anymore, you cracked your phone. I broke my phone months ago and I was like, "I’ll get it fixed soon." And I never did.
K: Do you think having a very badly cracked phone screen makes it harder to watch Snapchats?
H: Yeah, sometimes if there’s writing under the crack you can’t read it. And I already don’t ever know what time it is. It’s been complicated. But I kind of like that. It’s like ‘eh, I could be running really late or I could be on time.
K: That’s what I said to my boss this morning.
H: Wow, see, we can’t even stay on topic with Kevin.
K: We’re just talking about our shattered phone screens.
H: Just like his shattered career. And you know what, I don’t think people are even asking about Kevin. Joe did an AMA that was actually pretty funny, and people asked about Nick, but nobody asked about Kevin.
K: In the AMA he talked about losing his virginity to Ashley Green AKA ALICE CULLEN FROM TWILIGHT! She’s probably like… the same fame level as Kevin now that Twilight is done.
H: Wow! I would have been nicer, but you really went there.
K: Next month: a Snapchat review of Ashley Green.
H: Wow, what were we talking about? Kevin, right. Oh shit.
K: Did you notice, when you google Flashhop—god, that name is hard, I keep wanting to call it Slapdash. When you Google it, there’s no site. It’s just a bunch of articles mentioning it. I think that Kevin got burned. I think something bad happened with Splashdot. IHOP?
H: Flashtime? Wow. Do you think he’s happy having his family or he wishes he could still be famous?
K: I think he’s happy. I’m not happy with him, but he’s happy with himself.
H: So should you subscribe? Let’s start with Nick. Tune in for shirtless selfies, not worth a follow.
K: Nick sucks and I can’t wait to unfollow him.
H: His personality really shines through on Snapchat—in a bad way.
K: It’s like, “You’re being yourself and your self sucks.”
H: That’s too bad for him.
H: Okay, so Joe? Would follow. He seems to be enjoying what he’s doing and it is kind of funny. Sometimes it’s tedious, but it’s worth following if you’re okay with skipping through a lot of crap.
K: It seems like Joe’s life is a beautiful adventure full of color and laughter. Alright, should you subscribe to Kevin? Sweet, old Kevin?
H: Absolutely not. I’m giving it a zero.
K: Do you want one to two pictures of a child on your Snapstory each month? I don’t know, maybe if you’re a freak.
H: I almost want to keep following him to see if there’s anything outside of the children. I’m going to give him one more Snap—
K: You’ll see it in two months.
H: And if in two months that Snap is of a child, I’m done. If in two months, he throws me for a loop, then maybe.
K: What would be a loop? Like a dick pic?
H: Overall, what do I give the Jonas Brothers? Not nearly as fun as Kylie.
K: No. Kylie’s Snapchat is the pinnacle, and I wish we could review it every month.