I Tried To Infiltrate The Wham Facebook Page And No One Replied

“It’s not officially Christmas until I hear this song!”—a common comment among many on the official Wham! Facebook page. I wondered if I could be one of them, an opinionated Facebook user on a public fan page. So I set out to make the perfect burner account.

Enter Carol Jean Lovett, a sixty-something year old woman who probably lives in Nebraska or North Dakota or something. I carefully created her profile, ensuring complete privacy to keep my impostor timeline looking real. I searched for “meme about age” on Google and found an image of Maxine, the beloved old lady from Hallmark cards past. “Don’t get all weird about getting older!”, it reads, “Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!!” Then, I found a grainy, unedited photo of a beach for Carol’s cover photo. Maybe Carol took the photo during a stop on her cruise ship vacation. Maybe Carol’s daughter took the photo on her last trip to Mexico and Carol asked, “How can I add this beautiful photo to my Facebook page?”

With Carol’s timeline set up, I was ready to visit Wham!’s page. Wham!’s page surprised me for a few reasons. 1) At the time of writing this, 441,660 people like it including Carol. I think I was expecting it to have more likes because probably everyone likes “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” 2) They list a link to their Myspace page as if anyone, especially their followers who make up a 35-70 year old demographic, still uses Myspace.

Wham!’s page isn’t very active. They don’t post often and their only posts over the last several months are about holiday compilations they’re included on, an illustration of Santa Claus with a text reference to “Last Christmas,” and a link to “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” After scrolling through their timeline to last year, I found that they used the exact same Santa illustration last Christmas. Maybe the administrator of this page is out of touch, but I would love to believe this is a joke about “Last Christmas.”

Curious, I posted on Wham!’s timeline asking who the administrator is with no response. Is the administrator Wham!’s official fan club president? Is the administrator a social media manager from Wham!’s record label? Or is the administrator George Michael himself? We’ll never know because they obviously don’t care about user engagement.

Unsure of where to begin, I started replying to every comment that consisted of more than “I love this song!” in what I imagined Carol’s internet voice would look like: enthusiastic, while also a little bit judgemental, with a lot of CAPITALIZED WORDS. I hoped to spark a conversation with innocent commenters, but no one replied. Except for Heather, who didn’t know what day Christmas is on.

Carol’s Facebook page’s sole purpose was to annoy the people who were commenting on Wham!’s posts, but it turns out that the commenters on Wham!’s page have better things to do than to argue with an internet grandma. Feeling defeated, I decided that my work on Wham!’s Facebook page was done. This isn’t the last of Carol Jean Lovett, though. She’ll be making her rounds on the internet again soon.

Here are the some of my favorite comments from Wham!’s Christmas posts.

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