SnapBack #1: Kylie Jenner

Who’s wearing what? Who’s dating who? Who’s overusing the dog face filter? It’s #2016, bitches. We’re on Snapchat, and so are the celebs.

Welcome to SnapBack, our monthly celebrity Snapchat review. We’re kicking things off with a review of King Kylie herself, the reigning royal of Snapchat. 19-year-old Kylie Jenner is the youngest of the Kardashian clan, head honcho of the rapidly growing Kylie Cosmetics empire and true master of the Snapchat form.

Megan Kirby: First of all, why do we like Kylie’s Snapchat?

Mark Heffernan: Well, I think the first draw is clearly she’s a Kardashian. And we watch her on the show. Also, she is not great on that show, but on her Snapchat she is fascinating. I think you get her personality on her Snapchat, which you don’t get at all on the show.

She’s pretty hot too. She always has those sexy shots where she’ll put her arm out and go down her body and it’s like—

K: I tried to do that one day, and I dropped my phone.

H: No one can do it but her!

K: It’s funny—she always seems so uncomfortable on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. She seems like an awkward teenager—which she is. But then on Snapchat she is so in-control and engaging.

H: Oh, absolutely. I like it best when she’s snapping her at her house. Because you get to see a part of her life that you wouldn’t ordinarily get to see. I like KUWTK, but I’m not getting much insight into their day-to-day. It’s all set up, and that’s fine—I’m into that. But on Snapchat Kylie shows her real life and her friends—do they live with her?

K: I think some of them do? There’s Harry Hudson… He’s musician who survived cancer. He’s got finger tattoos. He’s like… pretty cute, I guess? I know the friendzone is a social concept but he seems like he gets friendzoned a lot, probably.

H: Does he have his own friends?

K: No. Does he exist outside of Kylie’s Snapchat?

H: Then there’s Jordyn, the model.

K: Jordyn is a plus-sized model, and I see her on a lot of plus-sized fashion sites. I’m always like, “Oh, there’s my friend Jordyn wearing a chevron sweater… Should I buy a chevron sweater?”

I think Kylie also does a good job of keeping her cast small. You know more people are coming over and hanging out, but she keeps it to her main cast—the Kardashian/Jenner family, her ever-growing pack of dogs…

H: I don’t remember their names.

K: Oh, I do.

H: What are they?

K: Norman, Bambi, Ernie and Penny. There’s an Instagram called normanandbambijenner that Kylie runs. I was bored one night and I commented, “Can I be your dog’s intern?”

H: What do you think that would be like? Picking up poop?

K: I’ll be her dog’s social media intern. Kylie hasn’t updated it in over a year.

H: So she needs someone.

K: And that someone could be me.

H: So let’s talk about her big thing—her… career?

K: So Kylie has a cosmetics line. She does mostly lip products and also Ky-shadows. And Ky-liners.

H: I love the term Ky-shadows a lot.

K: All week this last week on Snapchat, Kylie really wanted us to know that she’s been working hard on Kylie cosmetics. She posted a lot of just white notebook paper where she just wrote Kylie Cosmetics at the top.

H: She never gave us one note that she took.

K: I’m going to start every meeting now by writing Kylie Cosmetics at the top of my notepad.

H: You know, like Kylie, when I go to meetings I feel like I bring a notebook and I write something at the top and then I never fill it in. So maybe she’s having really normal meetings just like you and me.

K: Maybe she was meeting about her #fallsurprises.

H: Over the summer, Kylie snapped one of our favorite photos of her smiling and looking off in the distance, and it said, “Can’t wait for all the #summersurprises.” It’s one of the very few Snapchats I’ve saved in my phone.

H: But then she recently this week posted that she has fall and winter surprises coming. And, uh, I think that it’s going to be that she’s the lead singer of Terror Junior. I want that to be one of the surprises.

K: Oh! Wow! Terror Junior, okay! Who is Terror Junior? So on March 31, Kylie released music video for her new glosses set to a pop song by a new band called Terror Junior. And the song was on Spotify—I immediately put it on my pop songs playlist—and then in the last couple months it’s come out that maybe Kylie is the secret lead singer of Terror Junior, and maybe Jr. doesn’t stand for Junior, it stands for Jenner—

H: Terror Jenner.

K: When we were talking about it the other night, my roommate Paige she thought we were saying Terra Jenner. Like a third Jenner sister! Terra! I only know this because I went on her Spotify and she had searched Terra Jenner.

H: The thing is, Kylie’s never expressed much interest in singing—and if anything, the evidence points to the opposite. That she does not like singing. All her Snapchats of her singing, she’s lip syncing. And the Terror Jenner voice is so produced and robotic. It’s so manipulated that it could be her. It could really be anyone.

K: It could be me.

H: So sometime in the past week, Kylie went to the grocery store. I took a few screenshots, and I thought, why not just see what Kylie bought at the grocery store on September 12, 2016? Okay, so I have a few screenshots. Let’s see what we got here. Let’s just say, this is all junk food. She didn’t buy one real thing. I imagine her chef buys the real food.

K: How much money do you think they spent? I think it’s probably at least $150 worth of junk food. Judging by my expert calculations.

H: It really looks like they were walking down aisles, throwing shit in. It’s not like they’re stacking things. You now when you go to the grocery store and you kind of place things in your cart?

K: Well that’s because you have to decide at the end, “Do I have enough money for everything? Do I need to put back this bag of pizza rolls?”

H: Kylie’s not worried about that.

K: So they bought Scribblers popsicles. They bought a can of frosting, which is my favorite food. They bought garlic toast…

H: Oh. I don’t think Kylie eats garlic toast.

K: There’s some Haagen Daz. It looks like there’s a frozen pizza—I think it says Holy Pepperoni.

H: Multiple cookies! There’s Tollhouse, there’s sugar cookies. Doritos…

K: What is that?

IN UNISON: Pepperoni Walking Pizza.

K: Lunchables Uploaded? What the fuck?

H: It expires on October 30! She’s got to eat that quick!

And then she posed an important question to us. It’s a picture of Haagen Daaz—we have vanilla ice cream and vanilla bean ice cream. She says, “If you don’t know the difference between the vanilla and the vanilla bean I can’t hang with you.” And you know what, to be honest, I didn’t know the difference.

K: Is that just ham? It’s just like a $5 pack of deli ham.

H: I don’t know that I love that.

K: I have a hard time picturing Kylie eating deli ham out of a bag. I feel when she was shopping, she was pretty stoned. Or she was sober but planning on getting stoned.

H: Blazed, yeah. If you’re a rich young celebrity and you’re about to get blazed as fuck, this is exactly what you would buy.

K: For sure. A pound of sliced deli ham and two tubs of ice cream. That’s what I would buy.

K: What are your all-time favorite Kylie snaps?

H: Do you remember the series of Snapchats where Kylie, Kendall and Khloe dressed like regular people and went on a celebrity tour? It was on KUWTK.  Something I like about her Snapchat is that a lot of things that turn up on the show a month later. Somehow it makes me like the show and the Snapchat better.

K: One of my favorites is that classic selfie from the summer. She’s looking into the distance and it’s captioned, “I’m turning 19 in 27 days… Kind of sad.”

H: I think Kylie gets it. I think she knows that it’s funny.

K: Do you think you would like hanging out with Kylie IRL? Ky-RL?

H: Uhm, I think we would get along really well but it would be really one-sided. I would expect her to pay for everything. I would be like a bad boyfriend.

K: If Kylie was a normal girl who worked in my office, she’d be someone where we’d get coffee sometimes. But it’d be a little strained. And I’d space out sometimes when she was talking—but she’d like that I nodded a lot.